Ripon College Days

Dear Auntie,

I am a first year student at Ripon. My girl, Jeanie, is still a senior at

high school. We have gone together for two years and plan to always be

together. Last weekend I went home and found her very upset. She said she

is pregnant, and it is by someone else. She said she was so lonely she made

a terrible mistake. She wants me to leave school and get married so we can

raise the child. She doesn't care about the guy and can't have an abortion.

I do love her, but don't know what to do. Is this an ethical problem? Can

you help?

John

Dear John,

Yes, this is a question of ethics and a question of choices. What happens

next depends very much on what both you and your girlfriend not only see as

responsible, but feasible. Let's put a few things out on the line right

away: First, you have no legal responsibility for this child and therefore

no further obligation to Jeanie if you need to bow out. This is

complicated by your two-year history and by your continued commitment to her

and to your future. It needs to be said, however, so that you realize that

whatever decision you make is not made out of obligation but out of love.

I realize that your long-term intentions are to be together, but are you

willing to commit your life to Jeanie right now? Will marriage just speed up

the natural progression of your relationship, or are you jumping to a level

that is completely inappropriate at this point in your lives? If you had any

doubts before, they'll rise to the surface the minute you lock yourself

permanently into this relationship. A few more points to ponder: Do you

believe her when she tells you that her cheating was a one-time deal? Can

you be a good father when you know that this isn't your own child? You are

both very young, even if very committed. "Doing the right thing" now could

easily end in divorce in five years, and if that happens, you will only have

succeeded in giving each other a false sense of security long enough to

derail all three of your lives.

That said, you need to decide what to do independent of what she needs right

now. She's pregnant, scared and looking for some sense of stability in what

has become a completely uncertain future. Keeping in mind that this is a

completely normal reaction on her part, you need to step back and decide

what you can handle at this point in your life. You just started a college

career. You've just gotten your first taste of independence. Are you

willing to return home and take responsibility for a mistake that wasn't

yours? Your girlfriend is asking a lot of you, and you need to be certain

that you're up to the task.

There are too many variables at work here to make this a simple question of

honor (given your ages, her infidelity, the baby's paternity, your

education), and while it may seem like you're shirking your duty or

abandoning your girlfriend, you may need to decide that you cannot accept

responsibility for this child at this point in your life. There are

different ways of "doing the right thing," which very well may mean that you

let another willing couple raise your child. (And no, this doesn't

necessarily mean Grandma and Grandpa.)

If you decide stay with your girlfriend, you must be willing to throw your

full weight behind her and to raise her child as your own, without

resentment or hesitation. You can't hold her hostage to her mistake, and you

cannot blame your child (and yes, it will be YOUR child, not his) for the

opportunities you are choosing to sacrifice. If you decide that you cannot

commit to your girlfriend and this child, she needs to decide how to

proceed. You can be supportive of her rather than her sole support; you can

love her without giving away your future in a "noble" but rash decision.

The most ethical thing you can do for yourself, for your girlfriend, and

above of all, for this child is to be honest with yourself and upfront about

your limitations. If you cannot provide the kind of support this child

deserves, Jeanie needs to arrange to find a home that can. Give the support

you can these next few months; rub her feet, offer to buy the potato chips

and Rocky Road ice cream, and make sure to take her phone calls while you're

away, but don't promise your life away out of fear. You owe your

relationship ,and that child, more consideration.

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